I may never use this website again.  They've destroyed it.  I can barely make head nor tails out of it.  Took out all my customization.  Made it boring as hell.  Made it almost impossible to find your actual blog page.

What is the matter with people?  It's like when Facebook makes drastic changes or when we had the "New Coke".  People at these companies think, "Oh, it's working, so let's 'fix' it."  Did they lose their brains the moment they got a Marketing degree or something???

I'm posting this here because my family & most of my close friends don't follow me here. But...I'm turning 50 this Saturday and I can't tell you how depressed I am. The only birthday that ever hit me before was my 35th. That's because I was halfway to 40 and that really bugged me. 40 did not bother me because I was at Disney World for the first (and so far only) time of my life. We were at the Magic Kingdom and I'd found out that if you go to City Hall there and show you I.D., they give you a big button that reads TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY and all the employees have to wish you a Happy Birthday when they see that button. My favorite was the guy dressed as an undertaker at the end of the line for The Haunted Mansion, wearing sunglasses, who didn't move, but just as I walked by, said in a snarling voice: "Have a miserable birthday." Made my ex and I laugh so hard we were crying with laughter. BEST WAY to spend a 40th birthday. But now... my plan WAS to be back at Disney World for my 50th birthday. That plan fell apart when our Italy trip got postponed from last year. Italy broke me. So much so that I'm really worried about cash flow until tax refund season, which is a long way off. Don't get me wrong, Italy was THE trip of a lifetime, and so very worth it, but it didn't happen on my actual birthday.

What's happening on my birthday? Nothing as far as I can tell. Most of my friends are in the One Acts at Aurora Community Theatre this Saturday night, so they'll all be busy with that. No plans for me hitting the Big 5-0 this Saturday. The big frickin' half century.

Don't get me wrong. I'm very happy to still be around to SEE age 50, but only ONE of my big life dreams has happened. I was supposed to have met my husband - the love of my life - by my mid-30s and we were supposed to be married have our own house by now - a REAL house with a yard and at least one dog. We were maybe even going to have kids, who would have been teenagers by now. And I was supposed to be in a job that made me happy because with two incomes, I wouldn't need to do something that necessarily made me really decent money, but that I was happy doing. Maybe I was even going to be making some money as a writer, an actor and/or a voiceover artist.

But what is my life as I'm about to hit 50? Doing a job that while I don't hate it, I don't in any way love it. And not only that, but I'm coming to the end of having been on a delayed six month probation at work, worried for over 9 months now that I was going to lose my job after having worked for this company for almost 19 years. It's not an enjoyable job in any way and I'm constantly thrown into new stuff that I have to figure out on my own via the Internet alone. (don't worry, I am aware that a recent survey shows that 70% of people in the world today hate their job)

I don't have a house. I have what amounts to a 2 bedroom apartment, but that I have a mortgage on - so I own a mortgage. No husband. I've had one long-term relationship in my life, but he could never truly share himself after 10 & 1/2 years together. And I look back now and realize that I was never truly in love. Single for 8 years and dateless and celibate for 7 years. Fat. Fatty fat fat, despite the fact that I workout 5 or 6 days a week.

I do get to act. That is the one pleasure I have in life, but it is completely volunteer. Still very worth it for the sheer joy it can (usually) bring.

And I have a dog. I have my Fazio, with whom I don't know how I got along without him before and I don't know what I will do when he's gone (and shouldn't even think about that).

And that's it.

So how will I probably spend my birthday? More than likely post a few more pics/memories of my Italy trip on Facebook. Maybe take Fazio to the dog park. Watch a movie or two. And wallow and drink whiskey.

Happy frickin' 50th birthday to me.