February 28, 2010

• Ennui

  I have this habit when I am watching  a play, seeing a movie, or hearing music that really strikes a chord with me.  As moved as I might be by what I am watching or hearing, there is something inside of me that wishes I could somehow be a part of something so amazing.  There is this wish deep down inside of me that somehow I can put something creative out there that will strike that same emotion within other people.  That will move someone to tears or elation or wonderment.

  That is something that as an actor can be difficult to do.  If it is on film or video, that is one thing, it is a performance captured at that moment and with luck may be seen by several people and will somehow affect them.  Performance onstage is another matter.  It is both made and destroyed, as it were, in front of your eyes.  You are seeing it as it happens and it cannot be captured in that same likeness again, no matter how hard you try.  But to be a part of it onstage can be exhilarating in the right context.  Other times, it can be chore if you are feeling you are part of something that is somehow not sitting well with you.  Then it can be painful.

  But to see something that amazes you - that first moment I saw Idina Menzel rise up above the stage and audience as Elphaba the very first time I saw "Wicked", I knew I was experiencing something unbelievable - all the pieces coming together perfectly.  And I cried.  I mean bawled because it was so incredibly moving - not just because of the context of the story, but to see all the right ingredients together just being so incredible, I was so very happy to be witnessing something like that.  And I wanted to know what it might be like to be Idina - to be up in that chair and hoping that someone out there is being moved - that you are deeply affecting them - that is what I long for. 

  And there are days when it feels like I have accomplished nothing.

  I think I need to get back to my music.  I have been VERY out of touch with it for some time.  I have written over 150 songs dating back to when I was in high school.  I have recorded so few of them because I did not have the technology which we currently have.  And now that I have that technology, I will have the difficult task of seeing whether I can remember any of my music.

  You see, I wrote very little of my music down.  All the lyrics are on paper, but writing music by hand it a ridiculous undertaking - something for which I have absolutely no time.  But now there is the technology to play something and have a computer write out the music for you.  The problem is, all that music was up in my head and I haven't played most of it for at least 5 years.  Even though I have two keyboards, I haven't touched them.  I'm worried that some of the music may be lost forever.  That might be okay, though.  Maybe I can take what I do remember and re-work the rest into something new, different and hopefully better.  I need to get back to that.  To start creating again.  To have that outlet to express my raw emotions as much as I used to - and then I need to find a way to get it out there and see if anyone cares.  If anyone will listen.  If anyone is reading.

  I think Winter is starting to get to me - especially this Winter.  I was told last night that this has been our second snowiest February on record and we may have surpassed that to first place last night.  I like Winter, but this one has become tiresome.

  I'm also probably feeling some of that end of the show blues.  That idea that I will never be able to capture this again.  Brother Clarence was one of the best damn roles I'd ever had a chance to play and I was VERY happy to play it every night and really WISHED and HOPED that many people would come to see it.  That everyone would come to see it because I was having such a great damn time on that stage I wanted to share that with everyone.  I got some of the best compliments I've ever gotten playing that role.  I don't intend for that to come across as ego-centric in any way, but to me, as much as I appreciated the compliments, I thought, "This part is so me, so much fun and there is SO much I can get away with in playing this part, that I hope the way I relished it really hit other people."  I think it did, because I think the compliment I got the most was, "You looked like you were having a little TOO much fun playing that part!"

  And I was.  I most certainly was.

  Which is probably why I'm having such a big post-show depression.

  • 4:30 pm
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