But, no more dwelling on that.  I am really liking being able to just chill out as soon as I get home from work.  It’s sort of the Ed Bundy, oh-thank-god-I-can-unbutton-my-pants and put on my slippers sort of thing.  And it’s making me go to bed early, too, which is a good thing.  I might actually get 7 to 8 & 1/2 hours sleep almost every night this Summer.  Maybe that will help with the baggy eyes.

Last night I had hoped to get to bed by 10pm, but that was not happening.  It started POURING last night.  I mean, like somebody turned over a bucket in heaven.  And there was only a little wind beforehand, not the usual Ohio thunder and lightning to announce that rain is probably on its way.  The wind stopped just before the rain started, so it was just a sheet of water I was seeing out my window – like a waterfall off the roof.  Then about 10 minutes later, it was done.  And things seemed to calm down outside.

But then I heard the siren.  Chagrin Falls tests its Tornado Siren something like once a month on a Saturday and I’ve heard it.  You know it’s a test because it’s Saturday and it’s usually bright and sunny outside when it goes off.  But this was right after all that pouring rain.  Still no thunder and lightning and/or hail, which is what you usually expect for tornado weather.  And this is about 9pm-ish, when I was about to sit down and watch “Lost”.  I don’t recall having a tornado siren in Lakewood.  Don’t know if there are any there.  It’s not like Lakewood is known for tornadoes, although allegedly waterspouts have been seen in Lake Erie from Lakewood.  In fact, Northeast Ohio isn’t really known for having tornadoes.  Yes, we have massive, scary, damaging thunderstorms, but not really tornadoes.  There have been some – May 31st, 1985 had a tornado outbreak that hit Newton Falls, Warren and moved into Pennsylvania.  There was another massive outbreak of tornadoes in Indiana, Michigan and Ohio on Palm Sunday, 1965.  So they do happen, but Ohio is not really part of “Tornado Alley” – which includes most of the Plains States.

But when you hear the siren while sitting at home on a rainy night, it is a bit disconcerting – especially since it was my first time hearing a tornado siren that wasn’t a drill in the 16 years I’ve lived here.  I changed the channels on the TV and most local channels were showing a “tornado warning” for Wayne County – about 50 miles or so southwest as the crow flies.  So why was the siren going off here? 

Now for those of you reading who may live in an area without tornadoes, you might be feeling like I did when I first moved here.  I remember the first time I saw “Tornado Watch” on TV and wondered exactly what the hell that meant.  Freaked me out.  Finally had to ask people (this was in the days back when the Internet wasn’t such a prevalent, everyday thing).  I learned that a "Tornado Watch" means conditions are right for tornadoes, so use caution when traveling, pay attention to what the weather is doing, sort of watch the skies if you have to be outside.  "Tornado Warning" means that a funnel cloud has actually been spotted.  That's when you're supposed to get to your basement. 

If only I had one.

In my previous building in Lakewood, we had a REALLY bad thunderstorm one night - lightning was hitting the lightning rods on the building across the streets.  I was freaked.  Even though it was a big giant concrete behemoth of a building, I was still worried about windows breaking.  I went down to our basement and read in the laundry room until it calmed down outside.  Maybe a little over-cautious, but that's just me.

In my current building, I'm on the 2nd floor of  2-story brick building with no basement.  Where the heck do I go?  I turned off most lights. Got a jacket and put on some shoes, ready to go outside, but thought I’d also glance at the computer to see if there was any more info.  Nothing.  I had been posting to Facebook about hearing the siren and had a friend telling me various things via Facebook messages coming to my cell phone as I went downstairs.  I went outside to look.  The sky was almost completely dark, but there was also some obvious, dark, low-hanging clouds.  I looked for circular motion, but didn't really see any, but still went back inside.  Nobody else in the building had come out, nor seemed worried.  I guess they just turned on their TVs and looked to see where the warnings were?  We have a hallway with a bench behind the staircase.  That was one option.  There was a door with lots of glass at each end of the hallway, but the bench was set back behind the staircase, so I just sat there and texted for a while.  Again, no one else the building had come out (this is an 8-unit building).  I finally got a message from my friend via Facebook that the warnings had been called off.  She also referred me to a Chagrin Falls city webpage link, which I checked as soon as I got back upstairs.  It said the siren is set off whenever a tornado is spotted within a 50 mile radius.  I guess that makes sense.  Tornadoes are erratic and can travel hundreds of miles, so it's better to know to be wary.

But still - it makes me wish we had a basement.

It may not be a good idea for me to write about this, but I'm going to do it anyway.  The auditions for "The Producers" were last weekend.  The way they were handled was so weird that I AM going to write about it.  I discovered someone who was cast in one of the roles that I wanted.  I don't want to come across as a diva or sour grapes, but had these auditions been handled with any sense of fairness, I'm sure it would have been a lot different.  As it stands now, the only way it could have been cast was almost solely on physicality alone.  I haven't even gotten a call yet, but was told that those who have been cast have already been contacted.

I had put down that I wanted to play Leo or Max only.  I know my limitations and know parts that I can't play and know that I would make a better Leo than Max.  Yes, I could play Roger DeBris, but that part is such a horrible stereotype - and besides, I've been waiting to play Leo since I first saw Matthew Broderick play the part in Chicago 10 years ago before the production went to Broadway.  Although I know I could play the hell out of Max, I'm sure most directors are going to be looking for a Zero Mostel/Nathan Lane type - which personally I think is stupid, because there is nothing about the characters that requires one be a stocky older guy and one be a tall, okay-looking guy.  I think their physicality could really be a toss-up as long as you have great actors in the role.  That being said, I'd like to think I'm a Matthew Broderick type.  And truth be told, if they had called me and said, "Would you consider the role of Roger DeBris?" I probably would have said yes - had the auditions been conducted in any manner that showed what people could do.  But now, even if they were to call and offer me something, my confidence in what type of production this is going to be based on how the director handled this would have made me re-think everything.  I have a feeling this production may be a disaster.

Here's how it went.  We are waiting in the lobby.  I was the third person there the 2nd night.  Alex, with whom I've done several shows, was just before me.  She was brought into the mainstage to sing by the Music Director.  The director himself wasn't even there yet.  He arrived at some point during Alex's singing and went back into the far dressing room.  Then the MD came back out and brought me in to sing.  Now I've done 4 shows with this MD already.  He even said, "Well, your singing for me is superfluous, since I already know what you can do, but let's go ahead and have you sing anyway."

I asked, "Isn't the director going to listen to the singing auditions?"

"Well, I don't think he is even here yet."

"He just got here.  He went back to the dressing rooms."

"Do you want me to go and get him?"

"Well, I would think the director would want to hear us sing, so yes, if you could ask him, but please don't make it sound like ' This actor is demanding you hear him sing.'  Thank you."

The MD goes back to get him, comes back shortly and says, "No, he is going to be conducting readings, but says he'll probably be able to hear you anyway."

I thought that was very weird.  How the hell do you cast a musical and NOT see what people of capable of doing singing-wise and how they can sell a song??

I belted the hell out of my song, then the MD had me run scales to get an idea of my full range.

I go back out to the lobby and am told by the stage manager to pick up a side for what I want to read.  There is a Leo/Max scene, so I pick that up.  I glance through it barely before I'm called in to read.  But I am brought into the back dressing room alone.  I give the director my audition form, picture and resume.  He asks what I'm auditioning for, I say, "Leo or Max." 

"Did you get a chance to read the side?"

"Not really."

"Do you want to go back out and read it first?"

"Oh, no.  I just glanced through it and am ready."  Heck, I can handle ANY cold reading, thank you!

So he tells me to read Max first.  I do it as I thought Max should be played, but the director is reading all of Leo's lines against me, so he never really looks up from the script to see what I am doing.  We finish the four pages and I said, "Do you want me to read for Leo now?"

"Oh, no, I have an idea of what you can do."

Um, what???  My interpretation of how I would play Leo is completely different than Max and I would have liked to have shown him what I am capable of doing with it!  But I just said, "You don't want me to show how I would play Leo?"

"Oh, no.  And there aren't going to be any reading callbacks.  This is all the reading anyone will do.  If we have any callbacks, it will be reading and music callbacks only conducted by the music director and choreographer.  Thank you."

Uh, what the-??? 

I'm sent back out to the lobby.  Once there are 4 people in the lobby who have sung for the MD and read for the director, the choreographer brings us upstairs to learn 2 dance numbers.  I feel I did fairly decently with the dances.  While up there, Alex told me she only got to read half a page for Ulla and didn't get to read anything else.  Everyone else who auditioned said pretty much the same thing - they got to read a page or two and that was it. 

Then someone else asked me if I'd seen the rehearsal schedule - "Did you know they're not starting rehearsals until June 6th?  I had to tell the director that that's the week Tim Conway is here, which he knew nothing about, plus between that and 4th of July, that means this show is only going to have 6 weeks rehearsal."

What???  That made me even more leery.  Most non-musicals I have done have 6 weeks rehearsal.  Most musicals always have had 8 weeks if not more.  He's going to have only 6 weeks of rehearsal for a production like this??

At this point, I am extremely leery of the show.  I was out the door finished with my auditions in 45 minutes!  How the heck do you cast a musical without hearing a single person sing, let alone see them dance?  And how the hell do you cast a show by having each person read for only one character while you are engrossed in the script because you are reading the lines back to them?  How do you not give actors an ample opportunity to show you the variety of characterizations they might do?  How do you not give them a chance to read with other actors to show their interaction, their chemistry, or how they might feed off each other or look up against one another??  Let alone even bother to watch the dance auditions, too??

Had I been in a room with several other actors and had a chance to see what other people were doing and to get a better feel of what I might to more strongly pursue, plus get an idea of what others can do, I would feel a lot better about this.

This will sound very diva-ish, but if what I've heard is correct, and the person people have told me got the role I wanted really is in that part, then I KNOW this will be a bad production.  I can act circles 'round this person.  If I were to get a call today saying, "Will you please consider Roger DeBris?" I would be very tempted to say, "I'm sorry, but the way those auditions were handled gives me no confidence in this production whatsoever." 

Friends have said, "But wouldn't you love the opportunity to stand out greatly in the role?"  I don't think I want to be the one thing standing out in a shoddy production that barely had time to rehearse.

I think the way these auditions were handled was a joke.

I do have one consolation - this will be the first Summer I've had free in 5 years, so maybe I can finally get some other things done!

Got some things done Saturday, which was nice.  Still MAJOR Spring cleaning is needed at my place.  Maybe I'll get some time the next couple weeks??  We shall see.

Went to see "City Of Angels" last night at Hudson Players with Mike and Helen.  Turned out Jennifer from "Mildred Wild" and her husband were ALSO there to see the show, so we got a chance to talk.  I have never seen the show, nor heard the music.  It won 6 Tonys in 1990, including Best Musical.  It is a jazz score - very Manhattan Transfer-esque in the beginning, but most of the rest of the songs were solo.  With the glorious harmonies they had in the ending chord at the end of the show, it made me really wish there had been a lot more of that type of harmonizing throughout the show.

Also, their energy was somewhat flat.  Everyone could sing and act decently, but I think it's that "Saturday at the end of a very long tech week" thing where the energy just didn't seem to be there.  Found out Theresa has strep (yikes!!) and she was one of the leads, which probably explains why she was having to hold back because I know she can belt.  The outstanding people in the show for me were Joey Cayabyab - who has probably the best number in the show, this Latin tune where he's making fun of the man he's been trying to get for years and finally got him - completely with a belt the roof off note at the end - and Tim Steiner.  Tim's wife Kathy was in "Rumors" with me.  Tim played the head of a movie studio.  The show takes place in the '40s and it's really two shows in one.  One is the black and white detective movie that the lead is writing, the other is what the writer deals with at the studio - how much they change his script from the book, all the schmoozing, etc.  Tim was brilliant as the head of the studio who knows how to do everything right and changes everything that everyone associated with the movie does.  It's a difficult show.  They do an admirable job, but something just felt a little off.  If Theresa was sick, maybe some other cast members were, and that can do a number on the energy sometimes.  But it was fun seeing how they put the show together, especially the "black and white" - I'd say a little money went into those costumes and the lighting!

Tech Sunday today!

Let's hope it's an easy one!

I headed up there after rehearsal.  Had tried to get several people to go with me, some of whom at first said yes, then changed their minds.  So I was going by myself.  I did find it funny that so many people were so surprised that I was going out there by myself.  Well, um, who else is going to go with me?  And off I went.

Did one song, was VERY nervous, even though I didn't want to be, and I think it made my voice feel shaky.  My face felt really flushed, yet my hands were really cold.  Why was I so nervous?  Probably because I know how mean the gay boys can be.

Then the ultra-mega-bitch-supreme walked in.  I didn't recognize him at first, because he was so orange, I couldn't tell if it was him.  If you watch "Project Runway", you know that Michael Kors has been spray-tan weird-looking several times during the season.  Well, the ultra-mega-bitch-supreme, whom I will also refer to as He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named (HWMNBN), looked like a freakin' Oompa-Loompa. 

I took solace in that fact.  I decided to completely ignore HWMNBN.

One thing I noticed right away, even before HWMNBN arrived - there were maybe 5 people in the place who would applaud anyone singing - even though there had to be about 50 people there.  Even the one really big circle of friends right at the bar would not applaud their own friends after they were through singing.  I texted Scott about that and he replied, "Yeah, well, it's a gay bar, what do you expect?"  I was usually the one trying to get applause started after each person was done.  A couple people would look at me askew, like "Applause?  What's that?"

And they call me intimidating.

This was a conversation I had with my best friend Chuck two nights ago - the number of times people have told me that I was "intimidating" when they first met me.  And they almost all use that word.  I find that so weird.  And I've asked, "Is it because I'm tall?"

"Well, it's that and you were just so quiet."  I'm quiet because I'm usually an insecure bundle of nerves - something you become when you're bullied for most of your life.  I find it so strange that they find that so intimidating.

I told Chuck about the first time I realized that I can make people feel uncomfortable and I really didn't like it.  I was probably in my 20s, in a parking garage in L.A. and I got onto the elevator.  There was a woman on the elevator, probably about 5' 7" and I saw as soon as I got on the elevator that she sort of shrank into the corner of the elevator and she switched her keys around in her fingers so that the keys were sticking out between her fingers and she made a fist with them.  That's something they teach in self-defense classes: use the keys as a sort of brass knuckle to gouge eyes and such if you're being attacked.  It was a really weird feeling to me that I could make someone else feel that nervous.

Chuck said, "Well, most of the friends I've introduced you to have said the same thing about you.  They found you intimidating because you seemed so confident.  The quietness threw them off and they found you to seem like a really confident person and that was intimidating to them."

If only they knew I was practicing the "It's better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt" rule.

The only time I feel confident is when I'm onstage and really know my lines.  Then I'm ready to go, ready to give it my all.  Maybe it's the "improvisational" nature of going out and meeting people that makes me so uncomfortable.

So I exchanged several texts with Scott which made me laugh.  That's the other thing I've been told - "You don't smile a lot and that was also intimidating."  I've just never been the randomly smiling Cheshire Cat kind of guy.  I find it really weird to see someone who is alone and yet smiling a lot.  That just strikes me as a weird person who might be hearing voices.  The texting did make me laugh several times though - he was telling me that his boyfriend had just gotten to the bar and he was trying to describe us to each other via text so I'd have someone to talk to. 

I did finally meet his boyfriend, Cory, and we talked for quite a while.  My 2nd song was much better than the first - and what was nice was that I seemed to get more applause than most - and WAY more applause than HWMNBN. 

I will simply say that HWMNBN decided it was his duty to completely broadcast my business about 4 - 5 years ago and is not aware that I know it was him that told everyone my private business.  I mentioned this person to Cory and his eyes went wide.  Turns out that HWMNBN has quite a reputation as someone that many at the bars steer clear because he is such an ultra-mega-bitch-supreme.

That made me feel good.  Especially when he got up to sing.  Yes, he has a nice voice, but apparently his reputation really does follow him because the only people who applauded him were his own little circle of friends in the corner.

I took comfort in that.

I only sang one more song and by then, my confidence was there, so I nailed it - "Words" by the Bee Gees - one of my stand-bys for singing at karaoke.  And all the women in the bar, gay and straight, seemed to really like that song, so I got quite a bit of applause.

And then I was out the door.  Was only there for maybe 90 mins - 2 hours, but it was a "school night", plus I realized that I am most likely NOT about to meet that someone at a place like that.  Too much attitude, where people can't even applaud their own friends.

That's just not for me!

I am tired, although I've gotten plenty of sleep the past three days in a row, which is nice.  It's just that I've had something planned for every night for the past week and going all the way through the next two weeks.  Not complaining mind you, but I want just one night to come straight home from work and be completely mindless in front of the TV.

Thursday night, our rehearsal ended up being canceled because too many in the cast had pre-existing conflicts, so Bob offered me a comp to go see the One Acts at Willoughby.  I enjoyed them, but they didn't have as much of a unified feel as last year's, plus it was over cast.  Most One Act festivals I've seen have each performer doing three or four different roles.  In this one, the most any got to do was two, some performers were only in one.  I would have liked to see actors get a chance to stretch themselves a little.  The 2nd half was better than the first over all in terms of the writing.

Friday - I don't usually write about work, but I felt really good about work on Friday because I resolved several problems with the program that I was writing all on my own.  I really felt like a "programmer" instead of an "alleged programmer", which was a nice feeling.

Friday night I went to go see "August: Osage County" at the Palace Theatre.  This play won the Tony for Best Play in 2008 as well as the Pulitzer Prize.  It is in three acts and runs 3 and 1/2 hours (intermissions included).  But it was engrossing, difficult to watch at times because of the subject matter, a tour-de-force in acting all the way around.  It starred Estelle Parsons.  Most people know her as Roseanne and Jackie's mother on "Roseanne."  Turns out there's a lot more to her.  She was the first female television news reporter ever.  She was a part of The Today Show.  She also won the Oscar for Best Supporting Actress for the movie "Bonnie & Clyde."  She is now 82 years old and puts on an amazing performance in this show. 

It is a dark show.  I liken it to "Daddy's Dyin', Who's Got The Will?" but even darker and more dysfunctional.  There are a lot of comic moments, but there are a lot of "Oh Dear God" and *shudder* moments as well.  The Westons are an elderly couple.  Beverly, the husband, has an opening scene, but then in the next scene, he has been missing for 5 days.  He is a self-confessed alcoholic and his wife Violet (Parsons) is a prescription drug addict.  Beverly is interviewing a woman to be a sort of house caretaker to cook meals and drive his wife to the doctor when she needs it.  The woman being interviewed is studying to get her nursing degree and when she asks what drugs his wife is taking, Beverly slowly says, "Xanax, Darvon, Darvocet, Percodan, Percoset, Valium, Oxycontin, Black Mollies" and I can't even remember the entire list.  It was ridiculously long.  The rest of the play is the family coming together from various parts of the country to the house after their father has gone missing and all the skeletons come falling out of the closet.  One of the most amazing casts I have ever seen and quite a tour-de-force for them all.  The audience was on its feet as the curtain call started.

One of the actors was Laurence Lau, whom I didn't know was going to be in the cast.  Back in the '80s, when I worked at the Shubert Theatre in L.A. for the run of "Cats", the first person I got to know in the cast was Sally Spencer.  She was also the first to leave the production because she'd been cast in the soap opera "Another World."  I became hooked on that show because she was on it for a year and a half.  I'm still in touch with her - very sweet.  Laurence Lau played Jamie Frame on that show.  I ended up watching that show until it was canceled in 1999 and then I followed about 6 of the actors from that show who switched over to "One Life To Live" and were playing different characters on that.  Laurence Lau eventually ended up on "One Life To Live" as well in the role of Sam Rappaport.  What was interesting about that is the role of Sam was originated by Kale Brown - who was also a major character on "Another World" (extra trivia - Kale Brown was married for a long time to Karen Allen - Marion from the first and last "Indiana Jones" movie - they have a son together).  The character of Sam was killed off and I hadn't seen much about Laurence Lau lately.  Turned out he's been doing a lot of theatre and this was one.  I decided for the heck of it to go to the stage door (since I happen to know where the Palace stage door is and how to get there quick) and introduce myself.  He was one of the first people out and I told him I knew Sally Spencer and we talked for about 5 - 10 minutes.  VERY nice guy.  The character he plays in the show is a not-so-nice guy.  I don't want to give anything away, but he's very sleazy and I asked him how he felt playing such a character.  He first of all gave "props" to his fellow actors.  He said, "You don't know how blessed I feel to be working with such an AMAZING group of people.  I sometimes wonder how I am here with these actors!"  But he then went on to say, "I found the way to play this character came with the realization that he has NO guilt for what he does.  He doesn't think there's anything wrong with it, unlike all the rest of the characters, whom, although they have done some awful things, they are torn up inside by what they have done and filled with anguish and torment over it."  I thought that was a great way of looking at it.  Glad I spoke with him.

Saturday I started work on filling a hole in my head.

Remember when I lost the tooth over Christmas with the family?  Well, I got my tax refund just in time for me to get a bridge to replace the tooth.  yay.  I hate our dental insurance.  It only covers $1,200 a year and that's it.  That is NOTHING when it comes to my teeth!!  I would be MORE than willing to pay for more coverage, but that is all they offer when it comes to dental insurance.  And my new bridge is costing me $2,200 out of pocket and that's AFTER the $1,200 a year insurance is used up!  I can't complain - I know I am very lucky to have a tax refund to cover that amount in the first place.  But it's moments like that where I feel very much "Even Steven" (if you've ever watched "Seinfeld", you'll get that reference).  Just once in my life, I'd like to get a windfall or two that DOESN'T need to immediately be used to cover something. 

Anyway, the fun at the dentist isn't over.  I only have the temporary bridge.  And I spent 2 & 1/2 hours in that dentist's chair Saturday.  Think of it as having TWO crowns done at once because that's really what it is.  NOT fun.  And man was my face killing me by the time it was done, because the tooth being replaced is the second from the back.  My jaw is still sore and I can't open it very far.  Thank you ibuprofen to the rescue!

Saturday night headed down to Steve and Linda's with Lisa Freebairn.  Steve and Linda had invited us over after our weekend together down in the Hocking Hills.  Had a VERY good meal then we watched videos and a photo slide show of their trips to Thailand and Australia.  Linda had told us back at Easter how they'd always wanted to share their videos/pictures of the trips, but no one is ever interested.  Lisa and I were dyin' to see them!  Lisa has been to Australia several times, having even been there as an exchange student.  We loved these videos and photos.  Some of the videos were from almost 17 years ago and it was fun to see Linda with much longer hair and Steve when his hair was darker.  We then played a dice game until it was time to leave.  We had planned on maybe playing bocce when we first got there, but it was raining.  They have a beautiful backyard and there was a rabbit and squirrel running through as we came out.  Beautiful even in the rain.

Sunday, I was "Gettin' Things Done With Delores"!  I got a full 8 and 1/2 hours sleep, which meant being awake at 9am.  To be honest, on the weekends I usually sleep for 10 hours when I sleep without an alarm.  My body just needs that much sleep, so I'm usually not awake until 10:30 or 11am.  I figured since I was up at what I considered to be an early hour for Sunday to get some things done.  I headed to the grocery store and drug store.  Did four loads of laundry in between memorizing lines for the play AND trying to catch up on some shows on the DVR.  I was also getting ready to go out after rehearsal, which meant I needed to shave, clip the nails, etc - you see, I was going out "amongst my people."

Back in 2004 is when I met Mike.  The 2nd show I ever did in Ohio was "Sugar: The Some Like It Hot Musical" at Brecksville Little Theatre.  The director, Bonnie, had to bring in her son, Robert, to play the villain Spats because the original person cast left to do another show 2 weeks into rehearsals.   Bonnie is currently playing a character with us in "Barbecuing Hamlet."  Two of her other kids, Chris and Carla, are also in the show.  Robert dropped by at one rehearsal and I hadn't seen him since we'd done "Sugar."  After rehearsal, he asked me if I was going to CLAW.

I stopped for a minute and thought, "I know that... or should know what that is.  Why do I know that?"  I asked him, "CLAW?"  He said, "Yeah, you know that don't you?"

I then remembered it was something to do with leather, something like "Cleveland Leather and Western" or some such crap.  Not my scene.  They usually have things like Mr. and Miss Ohio Leather contests.  Turns out it stands for Cleveland Leather Awareness Weekend.  Um, I'm just a little too "vanilla" for that stuff.  But Robert said, "You should come."

"Uh, Robert, I thought you were straight."

"I am.  They have their final event on Sunday night at the Agora."  Robert's Dad, Bonnie's husband, owns the Agora Theatre.  Here is a bit of the background on this well-known rock venue - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Agora_Theatre_and_Ballroom.  Robert said he would put my name on the list to get me in free and that I should go.  I told him that I don't "fit the mold" of expectations that most gay men have.  He said, "Actually, you'll be perfectly fine in this group."

Even though leather is SO not my "scene", I decided to go anyway.  Robert's brother Chris also had to work the event that night because they needed someone to make pizzas.  I headed down there after rehearsal.  The event had started about 30 minutes before I got there.  They put on some weird little show of people singing or lip-syncing - like one guy doing the typical Rocky Horror "I Can Make You A Man" number, dressed like Frank-N-Furter and surrounded by muscle studs - bad drag queens lip-syncing, and this one comedian.  VERY funny!  Funnier than some of the comedians I've seen on LOGO.  Turns out he's going to be on LOGO.  I talked to him when he came up to the bar after his set because I hadn't heard his name over the applause.  His name is Paul J. Williams.  He's out of Dallas, TX, and works at a law firm that allows him to "have his flights of fancy about being a comedian" as he puts it, because there isn't enough work for him yet as a comedian.  I'll have to look up LOGO online to find out when he'll be on.

But he was pretty much the most interesting thing there to me.  Robert had wanted me to meet his bartender Vinny, thought we'd hit it off, but definitely no chemistry there.  Didn't mean I didn't want to maybe meet some new friends, but they were too busy at the bar for any real talking or getting to know Vinny.  I was talking more to Chris, who would stop and talk every time he brought out pizzas.  He was the one who encouraged me to head out into the little theatre to see if I didn't meet anyone, but people were too busy watching the show to really talk or even see each other.  The one person who caught my eye was the spotlight operator, who kept smiling and looking back - a lot.  Only later that night after the show was over, there he was, making out at the bar with someone else.  Oh well.  No biggie, because I had a really great time there - and it had nothing to do with CLAW.

I told Chris that it was my first time ever at the Agora.  He asked me if I'd seen the main stage.  I said, "There's another stage?"  He said, "Oh, yeah!  This is just our little venue!"

"Show me!"

The theatre was huge and a little creepy at first in the dark.  Then he told me that "Ghost Hunters" was there just two nights before - or at least he thinks that's what they called themselves.  He says they had cameras and all this "detecting equipment", but that they were more like a bunch of college students and that they claimed they "debunked" that there were any ghosts at the theatre.  I think I know which show this was - definitely not "Ghost Hunters" - which I love because they have debunked some things, but left others wide open when bizarre things happen that they cannot in any way debunk, try as they might.  And not "Ghost Adventures" which is a crap show where New Jersey looking "dudes" with bad hair and jeans "call out" ghosts with stupid stuff like "Come on and get me!!  I dare you!!" and then claim to be scratched mysteriously by something - crap like that.  The show "Talk Soup" calls them "Scooby Don't And The Gang" - love it!  No, this is a third show.  Can't remember the name of it, but it is a bunch of college students who go somewhere allegedly haunted or terrorized by some creature, like Boggy Creek or the Mothman, and when nothing happens, they say they've "debunked" the place. 

Chris says they're "out of their minds."  His family has grown up with the Agora.  The building it's in now, according to Chris, was originally an opera house, then it was a movie theatre and then it became the Agora.  And most of the members of his family have seen things.  We were down on the main floor, which is apparently Standing Room Only/Party In The Pit style for shows.  I wanted to get a picture of the big sign that said "NO CROWD SURFING" but it was too dark for my cell phone to pick it up.  It was eerie to look back up at the huge mezzanine/balcony area.  Chris then took me up on the catwalks up in the flyspace above the stage.  He told me about the one time he'd seen something that scared him big time.  He and his sister Carla and some other friends were going to go up on the roof of the theatre.  The flyspace is the tallest part of the building and they've gone up there several times.  You have to go up one set of metal stairs on the stage left side, cross this suspended catwalk of metal slats across the back wall to the stage right side and then go up a lot more flights.  We were pretty dang high on that catwalk, yet we were only halfway up.  I'd say we were probably at least 4 stories high looking down at the stage at that point.  He said he had been on that back catwalk when he looked way up the to the top of the stairs where the door to the roof was and he saw a man in a yellow rain slicker and rain hat standing by the door. 

I said, "Like the Gorton's of Gloucester man?" 

"Exactly.  But it made me think of 'I Know What You Did Last Summer'.  The guy was just standing there and I was the one who was ahead of everybody on the catwalk and I said, "Uh, guys, l-l-look and see if you see the same thing I'm seeing up there!"  But he said that as he said that, he watched the guy step backwards and literally "fade" into the wall right next to the door.  They didn't see it by the time they'd gotten there.  Chris then asked around and found out that other family members and other workers at the Agora have seen this same rain-slickered man.  With a little research, they'd found there was a man who worked there back when it was either the opera house or movie theatre, who had to go up on the roof in the rain, wearing such an outfit, to fix something and he fell off the roof and died. 

Chris then told me about more stories.  There was some guy who jumped off one of the side boxes above the dance area/pit during a concert, thinking the crowd would catch him to "crowd surf", but instead hit the floor and died instantly when his neck broke - hence the "NO CROWD SURFING" signs.  He was another ghost who's been seen there.  Then there was the "high class hooker" who was strangled with her own red nylons by one or more members of a band down in the dressing rooms below the stage.  They never found out what band did it because the body was brought to the railroad tracks nearby to be hit by a train and back at the time, there wasn't much done in the field of forensics, so they could never find out what happened.  But Chris said that he and several other people have talked about this feeling when they go down into the dressing rooms of being choked while getting a severe chill at the same time.  And several people over the years had seen this woman dressed in red nylons down in the dressing rooms.  I told him that maybe it's because the guys who did it have never been caught.  And he said that "No, some alleged psychic woman came in here a few years ago and 'sent her over to the other side' as she called it.  No one's seen the woman since, but some people still get that feeling of being choked when they go down there."

I LOVE that kind of stuff!

He then told me that last night is when the ghost hunters REALLY should have been there because there was a woman there to conduct a seance on the stage.  I guess they play hosts to ghost tours and the like quite often at that building.  She told people after conducting the seance to take pictures from the stage out into the theatre and see if anything showed up.  Chris said he freaked because there were several people who all caught the same image on their digital cameras - four men sitting in one of the rows of the theatre, all dressed in older tuxedos - opera style clothing, yet no one was in those seats.  Gave him chills.  

And he also told me that both Trent Reznor (Nine Inch Nails) and Marilyn Manson each lived in the Agora for about a year while recording albums in there (at different times), which I thought was a cool fact alone (I am a fan of NIN, but not Marilyn Manson - just too gross). 

I kind of got the Reader's Digest storied history and ghost tour of the place, all impromptu, which was a lot of fun.  I had wanted to go down to the dressing rooms, but he didn't have a key and he got called back to make more pizzas. 

So that was my Sunday night.  It was a bust with "the boys", but I had a blast at the building.  And being around "the boys" only made me realize yet again that I do NOT like most gay men.  I really don't.  I called my friend Chuck back on the West Coast on the way home and he and I ended up talking until 2am my time (I'd gotten home well before we ended the conversation).  He feels much the same way I do.  Chuck didn't come out until much later in life and he and I have been best friends since my first college days back around '81 or '82.  He says he also feels the same way - although he does have some gay friends he hangs out with, there still isn't a feeling of closeness with a lot of them.  They have a lot of the same traits that he and I detest. 

And it goes even a little deeper than that - or, really, shallower than that, as the case may be.  The comedian last night, Mr. Williams, kind of hit the nail on the head.  He was talking about when he first came out to his parents, back in Oklahoma at the time, and told some funny stories.  But one that he told was how his Mom usually had her Christmas shopping done by November 1st and last year she asked him "Why don't you have your Christmas shopping done early, like I do?"

"Oh, no, Mom.  I'm a gay man."

"Well, I thought 'your people' loved shopping and planning ahead?"

"Mom.  It's only November.  I'm not shopping now because I don't know if I'll have the same friends by December."

All the men in the room laughed hysterically at that.  Sad that there's comedy in truth - or truth in comedy, whichever the case may be.  I talked to Mr. Williams several times last night.  Very nice guy, very talkative.  Pretty much the only gay man who was nice last night.  What I mostly got was leering men in their 60s, wearing leather hats (those sort of police captain shaped hats but made of leather), all giving me the once over and just lecherous grins.  Any of the guys my age with whom I tried to even make eye contact gave me the "head snap."

That's what I call it - the "head snap."  It's the closest description and the queenier they are, the better they can do it.  If you are looking at a gay man and he catches you looking at him, but immediately deems you "not worthy", when they first see you looking at them, they sort of sniff and snap their head to the left or right with this, "Don't even THINK of looking at me!" attitude.  That's about all I got last night, which is why I jumped at the chance to go see the theatre instead.

It's weird.  I have, for most of my life, always felt like I am in this sort of limbo.  I don't know how else to put it.  The only time I really, truly feel I am where I belong is when I am with my family or with my friends from back in L.A., Chuck and Deirdre and Sherry.  But most of my life I have always felt like I am outside looking in, or inside looking out, as if I don't quite belong wherever I am.  As if I am a part of the group, but not really.  I don't know how else to describe it.  Tolerated, as it were.  You know, sort of "We like you and all, but you have a lot we don't like about you, and there's so much about you that is not equal to us, yet you're tolerable, so... whatever."

I felt that way as far back as kindergarten.  When other kids were having "nap time", I was one of maybe 4 or 5 kids who were instead taught how to read because the teacher saw that we picked up things a lot faster than others.  I was Mr. 4.0 brainiac throughout Catholic school, too, and picked on for it.  The fact I did not know nor like sports didn't help either.  In high school, I was the theatre nerd.  I let my grades start to slide in high school, but that was due to being bullied more than anything else.

Pretty much most of my life I've just always felt like The Straggler, The Tag-Along, The Oh-Are-You-Still-Here? Guy.

But you know what?  I'm so used to it that I no longer care.  I didn't care that Mr Spotlight Guy started making out with someone else.  I didn't care that I got the "head snap" left and right - literally and figuratively.  It only sort of made me think "Nope.  This is not the place for me."

Stuck in this weird limbo all my life and pretty much now used to it.  It's really okay.

Some of you may know that I have strong political opinions ("The HELL you say!").  But the one thing of which I am very respectful on Facebook is that I never make comments on anything any of my friends post on their own pages which might be contrary to what they have posted.  And my friends have in turn respected that. 

Well, someone who grew up in my neighborhood and was the same age as me - but was better friends with my sister who was a year older than me - got back in touch with me.  Her political opinions are diametrically opposed to mine.  That's fine.  But she decided to contradict something I posted and I made one comment which I flat out said was a generalization before I made the comment.  Other friends jumped into the fray and said some things against her specifically and I decided to delete ALL of their comments because I didn't want that going on inside a thread on my page.

A couple days later, I stated my opinion of a particular female singer of whom I am NOT fond (and have been told I should have my "gay card" revoked because of it) and this person, from whom I have not seen or heard in almost 30 years, decides to tell me what a "negative" person I am.

Hello, what? 

I thought, "I could let it go, but..."  So here is the thread over this one.

First is my original post.  After that are everyone's comments, but I've left everyone's names out.  My comments are in blue.  Her one comment is in red.