And I blame YOU, Hollywood!!!  DO YOU HEAR ME???

Because that's the way it happens on TV and in the movies.  Everyone finds the love of their life and everyone finds the life that makes them happy.

Every day, I hope that I will learn of some long lost great-aunt or great-uncle, or half-sibling that my dad fathered while over in England during WWII, someone who has scads of money that they have willed to myself and my siblings.  Or I dream that I will meet the perfect man, who is not only gorgeous, but WANTS to take care of me.  That WANTS me to be a pampered, stay-at-home guy. 

Or even simpler.  I dream that I'm going to meet some guy who really has it all together.  Who makes enough for me to work a simpler job - one where I don't have to stress out, because he makes enough in his dream job for the two of us to be so happy together.  We are going to have the perfect house together and get some dogs and think about adopting, because that's the way it is for everyone in every TV show and Movie, right?  That's the way it happens, right?

Julia Roberts broke my heart.  Julia has played me in so many movies - the stupid idiot who believes in real love.  Sometimes she wins - Pretty Woman - although that means I need to be a cheap hooker.  Sometimes she loses - My Best Friend's Wedding - but that means I have to have a gay best friend to pick up the pieces when I fall apart.

I have neither.

I have stupid, tall, dorky, pregnant-bellied, red-headed, pale-skinned, Charlie-Brown's-teacher's-voiced me.  I am the only one I can rely on.  And right now, I'm not betting on me.  I am in a bit of a panic.  I have been given an assignment at work that I think is over my head.  I don't write about work here.  I really worry that if I write anything about work, somehow it will get back to the people I work with and will get me in trouble.  But I am worried. 

My degree was not in Computer Science, as most Programmers have.  Mine was in Computer Information Systems.  Give me databases and simple reports and such and I have no problem.  But try and make me learn an all new (to me) computer language, and I suddenly feel like the stupidest person in the room.  And that is the latest assignment I have been given.  Which has me worried.  What if I can't learn this new language?  What if I can't do this assignment?  In today's economy, this is one of the biggest of my fears.  I have only ME to rely on.  There is no one at home to pick up the pieces should I fall apart and then what do I do??

I'm going to make my best stab at it.  But this is supposed to be the position that sustains me until retirement age and that means at least another 19 years.

That thought freaks me out.

Am I wasting my life?  Am I doing something to pay the bills, even though it's not really me?  But if I try to pursue something that's "me", does that mean losing many of the things I have?

Nothing makes me happy right now.  I have no pet to come home to, no family to come home to, no "other half" to come home to - and Hollywood tells me that I am worthless if I come home alone.  The job is not my dream job.  Don't get me wrong - I'm VERY happy to have my job, but it's just work, as that is for most people in this world.

Why do I fall for this Hollywood crap? 

I cannot sleep.  I am freaking out about my job.  I am freaking out that somewhere I made a VERY wrong turn and this is the life I am stuck with and somehow by the skin of my teeth I have to pull through until retirement in 20 years.

No wonder I am hating not doing theatre this Summer.

Having to look at the reality of my lonely life is killing me.

Being unhappy with the many things I DO have also kills me.  Why am I so dissatisfied with what I do have?  Why do I fall into the stupid Hollywood movie/TV crap that my life is worthless without someone to share it with?

DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I WOULD GIVE TO BE THAT CARELESS, SOULLESS, INCONSIDERATE BASTARD WHO HAS NO INTENTION OF EVER SHARING HIS LIFE WITH ANYONE AND LOOKS DOWN ON PEOPLE WHO THINK THAT WAY???

Do you know how many guys I have met who ARE that way??  Who could care less about settling down with the right person?  Who have no intention of ever sharing their space and pity anyone who believes in a committed monogamous relationship?  Do you know how much I WISH I could be one of those people?

I don't want to fall for the Hollywood crap anymore.  But what I am really hating is the jaded person I have become.  A little bit of hope dies within me every day.  I AM finding that as each day goes by, it becomes a little bit easier to say, "Oh, well, life sucks and then you die.  Get over it."  As much as I hate that, it really is becoming something much easier for me to truly believe.

Hollywood has made me think I am worthless without someone in my life.  And each day that goes by where the phone doesn't ring, the more I believe it.  And each day that I panic with my newest job assignment, the more that I worry I'm going to be left with absolutely nothing - and that I'm going to feel completely worthless for not having done any of those "Hollywood" things in my life.

I want to be that cold, soul-less, callous bastard.  I even try to present that facade on a daily basis.  Too bad that facade crumbles when I come home to an empty house.

Thank you, Hollywood.  For making me believe my life is incomplete.

My cousin lives in the small town of Lambertville, NJ, which is about 20 minutes up the Delaware River from Trenton.  They picked me up at the station in Trenton, but Laura had to stay home and finish getting ready for the show that night because the theatre was a good 40 miles from Lambertville in Phoenixville, PA.  Laura's husband David picked me up and had my Aunt Verna and Uncle Don with him and drove us to downtown Philadelphia, where we ate at Famous Dave's, which is supposed to be one of the best rib joints in Philly.  I had the barbecue chicken salad, because I wasn't in the mood to get too messy with ribs, but I did try one of Uncle Don's ribs - and man were they good!  Then we headed up to Phoenixville.

The theatre seems to be in a strange location - on a neighborhood street with big houses and apartment buildings, set slightly back from the street.  They asked that people NOT park on the street to keep that open for residents and asked us to park in one of two church parking lots instead.  Turned out the theatre is a former funeral home.  I kid you not.  After having just played "Barbecuing Hamlet", with the joke about it being a former funeral home, here was the real thing and I loved it!  We had to drive through Valley Forge Park to get to Phoenixville, and that was gorgeous - fireflies, old old historic homes and so many deer it was like a deer sanctuary.  The show was lots of fun.  Everyone was decent to very good.  The females were very strong singers.  It was my first time ever seeing a production of the show.  It has always been one of my favorite scores, so it was fun to see it in the perspective of the show.  About the only thing that seemed dated about the show - other than references to "square" several times, was this old fashioned notion that people should be married well before age 35 - and that friends would harp on it so much, which was probably true back in 1970 - at least I think the show came out in 1970. 

We spent the next day going out to a local farm - beautiful - and then all afternoon in the pool.  It was about 95 degrees and humid as can be, so the pool was just right.  For dinner, we drove further up the Delaware River and crossed into Pennsylvania to the very small town of Lumberville, home of the Black Bass Inn and Restaurant.  I have not seen so many fireflies in a very long time.  The fireflies in Ohio have been seeming to diminish every year I've been here, but here there were probably as many as the first summer I ever spent in Ohio.  They were everywhere and it was gorgeous.  I have noticed that we do seem to be having a bit more fireflies this year than in the past.  I hope that means they're coming back, because I love them!

Took the train back on Monday and then drove home from Pittsburgh.  A lovely weekend.  One that yet again made me wish I was wealthy enough to retire now.  *sigh*

Took pictures with both my phone and my camera, depending on what was handy at the time.

YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO CLICK ON ANY PHOTO TO TAKE YOU TO MY PHOTO BLOG.  IF YOU THEN CLICK ON THE PHOTO AGAIN IN THE PHOTO BLOG, IT SHOULD GIVE YOU THE LARGEST AVAILABLE SIZE IF YOU WANT TO SAVE ANY!

First, three sunrise shots near the Ohio/Pennsylvania border that I got with my cell phone.
 

Downtown Pittsburgh glowing in the sunrise.

On the train.  Kennywood Amusement Park is off in the distance.

Central PA

Harrrisburg station

The state capitol dome on the right in downtown Harrisburg
 

Three Mile Island.  Near meltdown included.
 

Elizbethtown, PA

Various shots of the Eastern Pennsylvanian countryside

Coming into downtown Philadelphia

Philadelphia Museum of Art

Amtrak Building in downtown Philly

Downtown Philly on our way up to Trenton

That gold blot near the center is the dome of the New Jersey statehouse in Trenton as we cross the Delaware River heading back into Philadelphia for dinner.

On the way to Famous Dave's

Inside Famous Dave's

I was reminded of Gaston's place in "Beauty and the Beast" - "I use antlers in all of my decorating!"

Uncle Don and Aunt Verna

With Famous Dave's mascot, Wilbur

Betsy Ross Bridge from downtown Philadelphia into Camden, NJ

Heading up I-76 to Phoenixville.

The Forge Theatre - this is the former funeral home

Back in Lambertville.  I took pictures around their house and also whenever we were out driving.

This is the farm where we stopped.  Tons of flowers and plants - and lots of cats and some kittens up for adoption.  Laura used to work for the ASPCA and has one dog and four cats at home.  She had to fight the urge to adopt more!

Praying Mantis on one of the windows to one of the greenhouses

Jasmine the cat - sweet and VERY soft!

Some of the kittens that were up for adoption

A lovely trip!

Laura's husband owns several bars in Manhattan and Brooklyn and they used to live in the West Village, but finally got tired of the city, so they moved to tiny Lambertville, NJ, which is across the Delaware River from New Hope, PA, about 20 minutes outside of Trenton.  Laura was cast in The Forge Theatre's production of Sondheim's "Company", which opened last weekend. 

I have never seen a full production of "Company" anywhere.  I've always only seen snippets, and I've always loved all the songs from the show.  The last time I saw Laura on stage was when she was a kid doing shows at the Downey Civic Light Opera in shows like "Oliver" and "Snow White".  The last time I saw her sing was at her wedding in Manhattan about 6 years ago - and she has a gorgeous voice!  She is playing April, the flight attendant whom I believe gets to sing "You Could Drive A Person Crazy" and "Barcelona".  I e-mailed Laura about the show when I found out and she told me her parents were coming out to see it, so I decided I wanted to head out there and see them, because I don't know when I will next get a chance to see Don and Verna. 

It's going to be a little crazy getting there - I need to be on the road at 4:30am on Saturday morning and drive into downtown Pittsburgh.  Park my car across from the Amtrak station and hop on the 7:20am Amtrak Pennsylvanian, which I've taken once before.  It's a beautiful ride, but I intend to hopefully go right back to sleep.  I got a Business Class seat, which are really comfy, so going back to sleep should be easy.  The train gets into Trenton at 4pm.  Laura has to leave for the theatre at 4:45pm, so her hubby will be picking me up and I'll have dinner with him and Don & Verna before we head to the theatre.  The theatre is in Phoenixville, PA, just outside of Philadelphia and about 40 miles from Laura and David's place.  Then spending Sunday with them, taking the 11:45am Pennsylvanian back out of Trenton Monday morning, which gets into Pittsburgh at 8:05pm and then driving back home, which I figure will get me home about 10:30 - 11pm Monday night, ready to go to bed and head off to work again Tuesday morning.  I can sleep on the train both ways, which should really help, and I think it should be very nice.  About the only thing I'm worried about is that Laura used to work for the ASPCA and has several dogs and cats.  She says the animals do not go into the 3rd floor of her house, which is where the guest rooms are.  And I'm bringing my own pillow, so hopefully there will be no asthma incidents.  I have my asthma puffer, but there's not much left in it and I have no more refills and my allergist wants me to come in before he'll give me another refill, which I have no time to do.  So I'm hoping there'll be no late night visits to the ER.  As long as I make sure to take Benadryl and wash my hands a lot, HOPEFULLY there will be no problems.

My cousin is the main picture on the Forge Theatre's website right now.  I got some other photos of her from their Flickr page for the show.  They have 85 pictures from their rehearsals, most of which look professionally taken.  I wish some of the theatres around here would do that!  Here are some of the photos with her that I got from their site.  The first one is the main picture from their website -

First of all, let's see if I can even publish this page without it asking if I want it to go on Facebook over and over and over and.....

____________________________________________________________________________

EDIT - I had to hit the "Publish" option with Facebook, then go to my Facebook page and click on the link there to be able to actually SEE the post and close the original page on Xanga because otherwise it would have just kept asking me "Publish" or "Skip" over and over and over and over

I HOPE SOMEONE AT XANGA SEES THIS AND FIXES IT!!!  OR TELLS ME HOW I CAN UNDO THE LINK IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!

I had wanted to see my friends in "Dixie Swim Club" at CVLT, which opens this weekend, but since I'm going to be off to Syracuse for most of the weekend, I knew I'd have to go later in the run.  However, I ran into someone outside the theatre earlier this week and she told me they were expecting TWO senior groups for the preview night of the show, which was tonight.  I asked the director if she might want help and she said yes.

The show started 30 minutes late.  Turned out there were 2 small buses and 2 larger buses and one of the large buses got started with dinner late, then got lost getting to us.  They had one group of seniors from Beachwood and one from Oakwood.  The mayor of Oakwood always comes with the group.  One wheelchair, lots of walkers and canes, so I was helping people up and down stairs.  They held curtain for the late bus, so they didn't start until 8:30, which is why I got home at 11, instead of 10 like I expected.  I had brought my big, beautiful company umbrella, which is huge and VERY windproof, because it looked like the skies were about to open up and pour down.  I thought it would be a good idea to bring it in with me so that if it were raining after the show, I could hold an umbrella between the bus and the overhang at the entrance to the theatre as people boarded the bus to leave.  I left it in my seat at the end of the show to go help with the wheelchair ramp and to help people up the stairs.  Went back for my umbrella and it was gone!  I ran out to the buses.  One had already left, but the other three were still there.  I asked the driver of each bus and finally the last driver said someone told her they picked it up because they thought one of the seniors had left it behind.  They gave it to the mayor, who had already left in his own car.  So I have to figure out a way to get ahold of him tomorrow and arrange to get my umbrella back!

The show was great!  I've never read the script, so I didn't know what to expect.  It's 5 women who were on a college swim team and have gotten together every Summer at a beach house in North Carolina.  You see them over several periods on their life.  I really enjoyed this show!  Very well cast - and unlike "Vanities", where you wait for the big fight that never materializes, these women get things out on the table!  Everyone was perfect for their parts and Kate Tonti was a big surprise for me - I've never seen her on stage and she almost stole the show - but everyone is so good.

We had a gathering last night at Bahama Breeze for Greta's Birthday.  I like that place, and it's close by, which makes it very nice.  Then headed home early - for a theatre person - and got into bed, because I wanted to be up and ready to go on the Cuyahoga Valley Scenic Railroad.  Amy and I bought tickets 2 days ago - we reserved seats in the Emerson Dome Car, which were more expensive, but it was up top, looking through the dome - very nice.  I got some nice pictures up there, most of which I had to get on my cell phone because my digital camera ran out of memory.  I need to hook up my old hard drive in the USB canister I bought because the new computer does not "see" my digital camera when I attach it, even though I transferred over the software for it and put in the registration key.  The old drive will have the software and all my older pictures on it, so it should work.  I just wish I could have had it on the new drive because the old drive was so slow when trying to edit pictures.  500GB for the new drive versus 40GB for the old one - QUITE a difference!

I didn't think to put on sunscreen, and I almost got burned through the glass of the dome car.  Poor Amy was sick - cold she's had all week.  I let her pick where she wanted to sit and she sat by the window on the way down to Akron and then on the inside on the way back.  The inside seat was more protected from the sun, so maybe it was a good idea we traded off.  I loved the view, but I think next time, we should go for the Emerson Lounge Seats - a lot cooler!  Even though they had air conditioning, that sun was pretty hot through the glass!  We saw deer, Great Blue Herons, hawks - and even two Bald Eagles in a nest - and their baby eagle on the way back!  There is a really beautiful rookery - swampland with lots of denuded trees with nests in almost all the trees that are home to both Herons and Bald Eagles - gorgeous protected areas (my friend Chris H made fun of one of the pictures I posted on Facebook via my cell phone, where I commented about how much I loved the trip, writing "What are you, 74?"  I kind of feel sorry for people whose parents didn't raise them to appreciate the simple beauty that can be found in nature anywhere).  I think I got pictures of some, but won't be sure until I figure out the software and camera business!

It was a 3 hour round trip - beautiful day today - mid 80s, barely a cloud in the sky.  They also had Thomas The Tank Engine on a different train that day - tons of kids, but not so many on our train.  I did manage to get a shot or two of Thomas - that's especially for my nephew Carter!!

Came back and have been lounging.  Well, not altogether.  I finally learned how to copy DVDs with my new software.  I've been making copies of the DVD that was burned off of the old Beta videotape of my first stage production ever - my sophomore high school year, May 11, 1979 production of the musical "Babes In Arms".  Didn't have a lead, but I was one of the tap dancers in the opening number - get a load of me!  I'm sending out copies to the high school friends in that same production that I've gotten back in touch with via Facebook.  It's been a lot of fun to do, and I watched the first part of one of the copies to make sure it works.

Also ran down to the grocery store - and I've been watching "Fame" the TV series!  I got the first two seasons in one combo pack on DVD and have started watching them from episode one!  What a treat!  Now I need to see if the music is available on iTunes - or if people are selling the old albums on eBay!  I have one or two of them, plus a picture cover single of "Hi-Fidelity", which was the first single from the show they ever released!  I loved that song and that show!

I have been tempted all week to leave early tomorrow morning and just drive.  I miss long Sunday drives like I used to do back when gas was so cheap you didn't think about it.  And I love leaving to drive with no particular destination in mind - just a certain area, maybe, and driving until I find a cheap motel, just lounge about there for the night and keep driving.  I was thinking of either driving out towards Youngstown and then following the Ohio River as close as I can all the way down to Cincinnati, stay overnight there and then drive back all the way up I-71, or driving up all the way around the "thumb" of Michigan.  I even looked at towns and motels online just to get an idea, but I finally decided it would just be a lot cheaper to stay home.  And get some things done.  One of which is copying the DVDs, which I promised people from my high school I would do back in December, but because of all the shows I did since then, I didn't get a chance until now.  I think I'll do some cleaning - if the spirit moves me, maybe channeling a little Delores Herbig to do it (you'd have to know "Dead Like Me" to get that reference!) and watch all these DVDs I've either bought or been given and haven't got around to watching yet.

Yep, I guess it's a stay-cation after all!

I have been promising myself that as much as I can this Summer, I want to try and be in bed by 10pm during the week.  With all I read about what getting less than 7 hours a night sleep can do to you, I am going to try as best I can to get those 7 hours every night!

I have already caught up on everything on my DVR, but I do have LOTS of DVDs I've bought over the past couple years that I haven't really gotten around to watching, so now it's time to get to those.

And some books I've been meaning to read as well.  I was on a big reading kick again for the first time in years all throughout last year, but then I sort of dropped it with the last three shows in a row.

And I've got nothing to do this Memorial Day weekend.  Going to a birthday dinner this Friday night, but that's it.  I would LOVE to get out of town.  Just drive and drive in whatever direction, maybe somewhere I haven't been before, until I get tired and see a cheap motel room available.  Then drive some more on Sunday, maybe making a big circle of some kind on my way back toward Cleveland.  Stay somewhere cheap again and then just head back home.  Or go on a train somewhere. 

I REALLY would like to drive down to Cass Mountain Railroad in West Virginia.  YEARS ago, I had planned it for the ex and I to go on our way down to Virginia and Washington, DC.  But I told him we would need to be on the road at 5am.  I said this repeatedly.  We were taking all back roads to get there and I knew it would take some time.  I was right.  And he wouldn't get freakin' ready.  There I was at 5am with the car ready to go and he was still fiddlin'.  I kept telling him "You can go back to sleep in the car."  Which he did, but we didn't leave until after 6am.  Sure enough, we pulled up to the tiny little former company town in the Appalachians as the last train of the day - the 3pm train pulled away from the station.  I was TICKED, but remained calm.  I was even more ticked when he said as the train pulled away, "Oh.  That looks like fun.  Are there any more trains today?" 

"No.  That's the 3pm and that's the final one.  It's a three hour round trip up to the top of the mountain and back.  That's why I wanted to be on the road at 5am."

Dagnabit.  We kept on going - spotted this HUGE Satellite array.  I forget the name of it, but it's one of the largest in the world.  Very cool.  And that was on the way out of Cass Mountain.  But I never got on that train.

I was thinking maybe I could to the Titusville Railroad that runs from Titusville, PA to Oil City, PA and back - but they don't open until the weekend AFTER Memorial Day weekend - which makes no sense to me!

There's always the Cuyahoga Scenic Railroad.  I think you can go all the way to Canton and back, although you might have to change trains in Akron. 

Maybe I could get a Cedar Point Platinum Pass and use it all Summer - the Platinum Pass can be used at Cedar Point, Soak City, and Wildwater Kingdom - which is just 5 miles away from me.  If I wasn't so freakin' fat, maybe I'd brave just floating down the lazy river there every weekend and actually get a tan.

Or I could just stay home.  Not spend money. 

Maybe FINALLY start writing that book I keep threatening to write.

*sigh*

That means free time this Summer.  Already last week I had every night free, but what I did was go to bed early (at least for me) every night.  I'm going to try that again this week.  I want to get into bed between 9 and 10pm.  That would mean about 7 to 8 & 1/2 hours sleep every night, something I haven't done in years - but last week was kind of nice.  I felt a LOT less tired during the day.  Plus they say one of the reason middle-aged people gain weight is because they get less than 7 hours sleep a night.  It also allegedly shaves time off your life when you don't get at least 7 hours sleep every night.  Hmmm.  Wonder if that means I can add the time that I lost back onto my life by sleeping at least 9 hours every night?

Well, I keep not winning the lottery, so it looks like I can't spend the Summer traveling all over the world, so I'll have to be content with being at home.  And since there's very little new programming during the Summer, maybe it's finally time for me to write that book that I keep threatening to write.  I have an outline for it, so maybe I should just do it.  My brother has a little pledge to keep to himself that he will write for at least 30 minutes or more every day, whether that be short stories or not.  Back when I used to have a little more time to write on this page every day, that was sort of an easy thing to do.  But I think my brother writes in a journal by hand when he writes.  I prefer not to get writer's cramp, so I would prefer to use the computer.  I don't exactly know how to try and get published, but now there are even opportunities to self-publish via the web, so I have other ways to get this book out there if I want.

As to the current show, last weekend was fun.  This weekend, it's gotten a bit out of control.  Yes, it is a farce, but there are a few people who have suddenly decided to go 10 times broader than they should be and others who are ad-libbing banter that has gotten so loud in certain scenes that people are having to scream their lines to be heard.  Even worse was the top of the final scene last night where there was so much noise from people that the actual lines were all on top of one another, lost completely, or said all out of order because no one could hear their cue lines.  I'm afraid to ask what it will be like next week!

But it is a fun show and when it works, it really clicks. 

And now, off to see another friend in yet another show!